Well, here’s my opinion on the majority of the Google Analytics Authorized Consultants.

Put it this way: If Google stuck a needle and thread up their bum, a GAAC would be the first person walking around with freshly darned socks.

My gripes go further than that.

Why does every new GAAC feel they have to introduce themselves on the mailing list? Nobody gives two hoots about you – and you know, you’re just one more gilled creature flapping around in the sludge. You’re another competitor.

One of these people even started an email about GAAC ‘etiquette’ – the gist of which is essentially ‘let’s share clients’. Well I’m sorry, pal, but that’s not the way it works, and that sure as hell isn’t the way the client should conduct their business. The client should end up with the best possible consultant. If you are not as good as the next guy – then get better. Don’t expect any grace, the GAACs are vultures (generally they wear pink fluff and prance around like flamingos if Google is watching, though).

Oh the GAACs sure do crinkle my collar.

Look at this, which some GAAC made during a ’summit’ (I’d rather call it the ‘world-class brown-nosing championships’): Warning: this is utterly disgusting.

If you can get past the first few moments, then I fear you’ve lost all humanity.

Another thing: They write emails with subjects like ‘News from Caleb’ – as though everyone is sure as hell to know who he is. What a bigshot. Well done Caleb, we all really needed your ‘update’ full of links to your company website.

Before I forget to mention, there’s a GAAC Jesus. His name is Avinash or something, and if you ever want to survive in that world, you better creak your knees a bit and place your moistened lips against his gnarled and hairy feet.

Disclaimer: I am sure that there’s one or two of these Google consultants which is actually a thoroughly decent human being. Probability is with me on this. I just haven’t met any. Well there is one Irish girl who keeps her mouth shut. That counts.