It’s not possible to find out which questions were answered incorrectly, and that’s a bit frustrating. I think I may have got a couple of the multiple-choice questions wrong, but I’d really like to know which ones, so I can fix my brain.

Additionally, where is my super-awesome certificate which that other person got?

In all, the answers were quite easy and straight-forward, so don’t be worried if you have not taken the test and wish to do so. The only issues I had was with the language they used, which in many cases was not clear and used quite poor grammar (typical of Google).

The real quality of the test came through at the end, when a gigantic message was displayed on the screen:

“You may now close your browser. You can close your browser by clicking on the ‘x’ in the upper right of the window.”

The test costs $50 (I had a voucher which meant it was free), so perhaps this is some ’smart’ Google employee’s way of making a quick buck from vain Analytics users.

But wait – it seems that someone has passed it already, in December.

Google Analytics Individual Qualification (GAIQ)

Congrats to you, Samantha A Bedford. It seems like this examination was actually first offered in November, and the big news we’re hearing about now is that it’s going to simply be made compulsory. It must be my own fault for never hearing anything about this before.

Well, there’s not much information available about it so far, but I’ll be taking this test during the week and will provide a bit of an insight. I assume it will be much simpler than the GAAC entrance examination. Eva Woo has even stated this.

In addition to her statement, Ms Woo said that each GAAC will receive two free tokens to sit the exam. At our company we’re going to push for four people to sit it, and I assume the cost for the other two examinees will be minimal.

Well, here’s my opinion on the majority of the Google Analytics Authorized Consultants.

Put it this way: If Google stuck a needle and thread up their bum, a GAAC would be the first person walking around with freshly darned socks.

My gripes go further than that.

Why does every new GAAC feel they have to introduce themselves on the mailing list? Nobody gives two hoots about you – and you know, you’re just one more gilled creature flapping around in the sludge. You’re another competitor.

One of these people even started an email about GAAC ‘etiquette’ – the gist of which is essentially ‘let’s share clients’. Well I’m sorry, pal, but that’s not the way it works, and that sure as hell isn’t the way the client should conduct their business. The client should end up with the best possible consultant. If you are not as good as the next guy – then get better. Don’t expect any grace, the GAACs are vultures (generally they wear pink fluff and prance around like flamingos if Google is watching, though).

Oh the GAACs sure do crinkle my collar.

Look at this, which some GAAC made during a ’summit’ (I’d rather call it the ‘world-class brown-nosing championships’): Warning: this is utterly disgusting.

If you can get past the first few moments, then I fear you’ve lost all humanity.

Another thing: They write emails with subjects like ‘News from Caleb’ – as though everyone is sure as hell to know who he is. What a bigshot. Well done Caleb, we all really needed your ‘update’ full of links to your company website.

Before I forget to mention, there’s a GAAC Jesus. His name is Avinash or something, and if you ever want to survive in that world, you better creak your knees a bit and place your moistened lips against his gnarled and hairy feet.

Disclaimer: I am sure that there’s one or two of these Google consultants which is actually a thoroughly decent human being. Probability is with me on this. I just haven’t met any. Well there is one Irish girl who keeps her mouth shut. That counts.